鶹Ƶ

Finding Their Voice

April 5, 2024

Adolescents have a discerning response to the sound of their mother’s voice, and they seek it out, particularly in stressful times...

As a strong-willed and sometimes feisty teenager my daughter would say from time-to-time, “You don’t have to yell at me.” Bewildered, I would check with my husband who would shrug his shoulders in mute despair, saying, "Your voice wasn’t even remotely loud.”


Invariably, her frustrated comment would occur on occasions when I disagreed with her viewpoint, challenged her thinking, or simply said no to a request for me to buy her something far beyond budget or to take her somewhere at a ridiculous hour or distance.


In having a meeting with myself (hence a quiet place of retreat and solace where there is no disagreement), I came to the totally unresearched conclusion that adolescent females have a heightened sensitivity to the tone or sound of their mother’s voice.


And guess what, my unsubstantiated qualitative research had a tiny nub of truth: adolescents have a discerning response to the sound of their

mother’s voice.


Yes, adolescents are in one sense “far more tuned into the voices of others,” than to their mother’s voice says Daniel Abrams, a neuroscientist at Stanford University (cited in Sanders, 2022).


As they meander their way through their teen years especially, other voices become more interesting and attractive, as they seek to broaden their social connections and detach from family as their primary interest.


Yes, this is puberty, the beautifully complex and dangerously fraught decade of time where the work of your adolescent is primarily about developing independence – from you, it is a place and time where she perceives that maternal support is less crucial to her survival than it has been. In order to achieve this, she attends far more carefully to the world and the words spoken, beyond home (Abrams et al. 2022): the voice of another. And as mothers, we find ourselves forced to the sidelines, sometimes as reluctant onlookers, lest we be tempted to take to the field – their field of play.


Don’t despair. Mothers’ voices are unique in their power, particularly in stressful times. Researchers have found that stress hormone levels ease when girls in the midst of anxiety, hear the voice of their mother, on the phone.


Conversely, text messages from mothers invariably heighten the anxiety register. Your voice rather than your texted message has more weight and provides more comfort. And in all those times when we think our messages have fallen on her metaphorically deaf ears, they have in fact nudged their way into her deeper consciousness.


After all, they are bombarded by so many voices, so many images, so many edicts on how to be that you are a beacon of truth. In her article, ‘Being 13’, Bennet writes “Girls [carry] a mental load, — in facing the age-old pressure to be good enough, pretty enough, kind enough, popular enough, [they have to do so] on multiple platforms.” Not surprisingly, your voice – albeit more influential in spoken form, continues to matter.


Stephen Biddulph, more acclaimed for his research into the adolescent male brain believes that as mothers, we influence our daughters in three

primary ways:


  1. Role Modelling – which accounts for  half our influence. The way we interact with others. Our behaviour as drivers. The words we use in frustration. The kindness we show to those from whom we gain no benefit. Every step we take, every move we make – as the song goes, they are watching us. Our example becomes part of their manner of being.
  2. Values sharing – how we articulate our beliefs, how we discuss our view of others, the moral lessons we teach, these things become the echoes in their head, and the voice of reason in the most difficult of circumstances.
  3. Exposure to role models – to whom do we expose our daughters in these formative years, who are the people of influence we share with them? (as cited in Moorhead, 2023)


Author Hilda Blum’s prose piece title ‘A Mother, Her Daughter, a Masterwork of Psychological Tension’ captures the tight walk dance that is parenting a teen-aged daughter. Yet, even in their feisty moments, even in their quest to find affirmation beyond you and their home, they continue to hear and seek out your voice. You are the role model of greatest influence.


Your advice matters, even when it is counter to the advice of the mainstream. They want to be connected to you, even when you find it hard to read their personal landscape. They want, according to author, Lisa Damour (2023) to be able to “bring up topics that are close to their heart” with you.


The trick is to be present, available, and open – even when it appears they are pushing you away, attending to the voices of others, and thirsting for independence. What a dance it is.


Yes, adolescents continue to have a discerning response to the sound of their mother’s voice, and they seek it out, particularly in stressful times. They, are, in the tumultuous world of adolescence … finding their voice.


Dr Linda Evans | Principal


REFERENCES

Abrams, D. et al. (2022). A neurodevelopmental shift in reward circuitry from mother’s to nonfamilial voices in adolescence. Journal of Neuroscience. Published online April 28, 2022. doi: 10.1523/JNEUROSCI.2018-21.2022.


Bennett, J. (2023). ‘Being 13.’ The New York Times. September 20, 2023. https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2023/09/20/well/family/13-year-old-girls-socialmedia-self-esteem.html?searchResultPosition=7


Blum, H. (2023). ‘A Mother, Her Daughter, a Masterwork of Psychological Tension’. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/07/21/books/review/how-to-love-yourdaughter-hila-blum.html


Damour, L. (2023). ‘Raising Teens Is Hard. Lisa Damour Has Some Answers’. The New York Times. August 28. 2023. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/08/28/well/mind/teenanxiety


More News…

By Sarah Richardson January 31, 2025
Beginning. Starting. Commencing. What does beginning well actually look like? Sometimes when we expect a perfect start, we overlook the quiet power of simply showing up, the world is run by those who show up. Those people who never, ever ring the bell, those people who show up, even when it is hard to do so, especially when it is hard to do so. Brene Brown reminds us that “the willingness to show up changes us, it makes us a little braver each time we do.” In enacting bravery, it is important to start small if that’s what it takes. American Naval Admiral, William McRaven says this: “If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed. If you can’t do the little things right, then you will never do the big things right.” He believes in persistence. His mantra is this: don’t ever, ever ring the bell. He refers to the initial training for the United States of America Navy Sea, Air, and Land Teams the SEALS. Their initial training sees more than 80 percent of participants drop out. During this training, a brass bell hangs in the center of the room for all the students to see. If they find the work too hard. If they decide against becoming a SEAL. All they have to do to quit—is to ring the bell. Ring the bell and they no longer have to wake up at 5 o’clock. Ring the bell and they no longer have to complete freezing cold swims. Ring the bell and they no longer have to endure long runs carrying heavy weights, the obstacle courses, or to suffer the hardships of training. Just ring the bell and it’s all over. When exhausted SEAL candidates reach their breaking point, they haul themselves to the bell and ring it three times. The sound echoes through the training grounds and announces publicly that another candidate has “opted out.” All they have to do is ring the bell. Just ring the bell and the hard work stops. I wonder if Lilli Hamilton (Queensland cricketer and HEAT member) rang the bell when Cricket training no longer felt like it was fun, or if Alex Edwards (Australian Orienteering representative) opted out of orienteering because frankly, the distance was too far, or if Scarlett Sippell (Emus National Youth Touch Football Squad member) gave up because training was too tough …. what they would miss out on … When we opt out, even when it is hard, we also miss out on possibilities. There are so many opportunities at 鶹Ƶto achieve one’s best - academically. In the Arts. In Sport. Opportunities to serve others. To be a good friend – a good person. But then again, if any of those things are too hard, all anyone has to do is – opt out. Say it’s too hard. Say they didn’t get selected in the right team. Say their teachers didn’t give them the right results. Say they weren’t given the right position. Text their parents and tell them that 鶹Ƶis awful. All they have to do, is ring the bell. Yet, if we want to change the world, If we want to get the best out of this year at Fairholme, whatever that involves - never ever give up. Start small, aim big. Always show up. Don’t give up. Don’t ever, ever ring the bell. The most meaningful changes in life are often built in the times that no one sees, and, importantly, in the daily decision to simply show up, and to show up for others. When my daughter, Natalie was twenty-one, she began her teaching career at an Autism specialty school in Brixton, London. She would phone me often: for advice, for debriefing, for re-setting – her school was classified as being in Special Measures – it was on the brink of closure. Often, when she phoned to describe her day – to talk about the boys in her class, all aged 12 or 13, it went a little like this: “Today, Mashley threw a chair through a window because he didn’t like the activity we were doing. I had to break up a fight at lunch. Jerome pulled a knife on me. Three boys in my class have joined gangs.” I wanted to say: “Natalie: get another job. That one is too dangerous.” I wanted to fly her home from London, immediately. I had to stop the urge to board the next plane to London and rescue her. But my advice to her – was this: Show up. Keep showing up. No matter how you feel… Get up, dress up, show up: don’t give up. These kids need to know that someone cares enough to show up. After all, when we show up for others, we can affect the most profound of changes. I am always intrigued about who shows up here at 鶹Ƶ– especially at difficult times. In 2011 when floods ravaged Toowoomba and so much of 鶹Ƶwas flooded – staff showed up - in their holidays. They turned up to rip up carpets, move furniture, clean floors, and walls. Last year, in the sadness of Sess’ passing our community showed up, in droves, with deep compassion – importantly, our community showed up for one another. I think of 2024 Year 12s who showed up for others, after they had officially finished attending classes at and were preparing for or undertaking their external exams. Lizzy Kelly and Ciara Teahan showed up to play in the stage band, for the Year 11 Leaders Assembly, so that the group could perform at its best. Roma Aarons came to an Assembly in November to share a fabulous rendition of ‘Hotel California’. On a Sunday morning, early in December, graduated students Rachel Yap, Alana Callaghan, Amelia Ramia and Roma Aarons, showed up at Rosies to prepare food for Toowoomba people who don’t have easy access to basic necessities. After last year’s Interschool Athletics Carnival, Clare Hogan noticed staff picking up loads of lost property and carrying it into the Assembly Hall. She asked – Can I help? When we show up, especially when it is for others, especially when it’s hard, we learn a lot about ourselves and others. The students at the school where my daughter taught in Brixton, London – needed teachers to show up, they needed people to notice them, they needed interest, care, attention. They needed to know that they mattered. The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time, particularly when we show up for others. Show up. Keep showing up. Show up for others. And remember the advice of Naval Admiral, William McRaven … even when it’s hard, don’t ever, ever ring the bell. Begin well, continue well, finish well. Dr Linda Evans │Principal
By Sarah Richardson January 23, 2025
鶹ƵCollege student Zoe Hurford is currently living the dream as part of an exchange program with the prestigious Rugby School in England. Her time abroad has been filled with memorable moments, cultural discoveries, and a deep appreciation for the warmth and support of the Rugby School community. ‘The Rugby School is incredible," Zoe shares enthusiastically. ‘My time here is disintegrating far too quickly, and there is so much more I want to do. Everyone is really welcoming and supportive—staff and students—and I cannot wait to make more memories with them all.’ Zoe recently had the chance to address the entire school during Chapel. In her speech, she highlighted Fairholme's rich history and shared some amusing observations about differences between Australia and the UK. Her witty recount of answering common questions about Australia had the audience in stitches. ‘Yes, I’ve seen a kangaroo. No, I don’t look under every chair in case something is sitting under it. Yes, there are spiders. No, I wouldn’t recommend trying to beat up a kangaroo,’ she joked, bringing a taste of Aussie humour to the English school. As part of her exchange, Zoe has embraced Rugby 7s as her chosen sport and is relishing every muddy moment on the pitch. ‘I am absolutely loving it, even though the pitches are always muddy—it’s too cold for them to dry. Returning to Bradley covered in mud has become a ritual. I’ve loved learning more about the game and am excited to improve my skills in the coming weeks.’ Adjusting to the academic life at Rugby School has been a challenge Zoe has embraced with determination. ‘My classes have been really good, more so now that I can actually find them,’ she laughs. ‘There’s a clear distinction between the work I’ve done and what they are doing here, but with my classmates' help, I’m getting fairly comfortable with the topics.’ No update about England would be complete without a mention of the weather. Zoe finds it surprisingly manageable. ‘It’s definitely cold, some days more than others, but it isn’t as cold as I was expecting. It doesn’t have Toowoomba’s harsh winds, so that makes a big difference,’ she says. However, the shorter daylight hours have been a noticeable change. ‘By 4 p.m., it’s dark, which makes doing afternoon activities a lot harder. And sadly, my farmer’s tan is slowly disappearing—a reality I’m still coming to terms with.’ As Zoe continues to immerse herself in this transformative experience, she remains grateful for the opportunity to represent 鶹ƵCollege and explore all that Rugby School has to offer.
By Sarah Richardson January 20, 2025
鶹ƵCollege has officially launched its High-Performance Sport Program, an innovative initiative aimed at supporting student athletes in achieving their sporting and academic goals. The launch marked a significant milestone in the College’s ongoing commitment to empowering young women through both education and sport. Olympian and 鶹ƵOld Girl Tatum Stewart was the guest of honour, returning to her alma mater to help unveil the program. ‘It’s super exciting for these 鶹Ƶstudents to have the exposure to this High-Performance Program. Looking back, if I had an opportunity like this, it definitely would have catapulted me even sooner into the high-performance sporting world,’ said Tatum. Casey Reynoldson, Fairholme’s newly appointed Head of High Performance, also sharing her vision for the program and her extensive experience in elite sports. Casey brings a wealth of expertise to the program, having studied Exercise Science, a Bachelor of Exercise Physiology, and completed a Masters of Secondary Teaching. She recently returned from the University of Yale, where she conducted a research project, adding further depth to her leadership of the program. ‘I’m incredibly excited to lead this new chapter for Fairholme’s athletes,’ said Casey. ‘The program is designed to help them enhance their athletic performance while providing them with the tools needed to balance the challenges of sport and academics.’ The program includes tailored strength and conditioning plans, load management strategies, recovery programs, fitness testing, and academic support. A highlight of the launch was the live demonstration of the program’s state-of-the-art timing gates, which will help athletes track and improve their performance. 鶹Ƶhas a proud legacy of athletic excellence, producing Olympians like Tatum Stewart, Dom Du Toit, Emilee Cherry, Cathy Freeman, and Dannielle Leisch. This year alone, over 130 鶹Ƶteams competed locally, with 450+ girls excelling in individual sports, 127 Darling Downs Representatives, and 21 Queensland athletes! This new program is set to propel Fairholme’s athletes to even greater success, reinforcing the College’s commitment to fostering the next generation of sporting champions.
All News
Share by: