Â鶹ÊÓƵ

Drop the rope

Oct 01, 2023

Adolescence is its own season: unique, complex, delightful, difficult … and everything in between. Within it, parents find themselves at one end of tug-of-war disputes when adolescents are pursuing risky behaviour, or making totally unreasonable demands, at other times they may sense the need to ‘drop the rope’ when their adolescent child is legitimately seeking their independence.


The trick is in knowing when to hold on and when to let go. Parenting demands both. It demands that we are attuned to the nuances of teenage or tween life, and able to respond appropriately. It demands more than is possible of us, on some days, and the demands don’t typically dissipate quickly. We are as parents, required to do our best, for some time, however that might look.


For those mums fortunate enough to hear Michelle Mitchell speak at the ‘Tweens’ luncheon on the last day of term, you may well have noted some of her wisdom around parenting through your daughter’s life challenges. A few of her truisms have stayed with me, the greatest echo has been her statement around ‘dropping the rope.’ What a glorious moment that can be when you choose to stop the tussle. If we are honest, and parenting requires its own confronting brand of honesty, doesn’t it, we can find ourselves in a tug-of-war situation in the most trivial of circumstances. The trick is knowing when to hang on to the rope, and when to let go.


We can hold our ground, dig our feet in and draw on the rope of insistence with formidable determination. Retrospect may, at times, pose an interesting question – Why? Why fight the unwinnable? Why fight the insignificant? At other times, we hold on with impressive resolve, because we are required to, because the tug-of-war is about your son or daughter’s need to know that you are in this relationship for the long game and you as the adult, will not concede when it matters, when it really matters. Your adolescent does want to know that you believe that they are worth fighting for, irrespective of the circumstances. In 2015, parenting blogger, Gretchen Schmelzer published a piece entitled, ‘The Letter your Teenager Can’t Write to You.’ It is worth reading – the link is in the reference section. Schmelzer writes a letter in the voice of a teenager: a feisty, fighting, difficult teenager who wants to argue about everything and nothing, but who also wants to know that their parent is playing the long game. That their parent won’t give up, won’t drop the rope. She writes:


And this particular fight will end. Like any storm, it will blow over. And I will forget, and you will forget. And then it will come back. And I will need you to hang on to the rope again. I will need this over and over for years.


So, when do we hold on, when do we drop the rope, when do we simply say, NO? If it were only that easy to know. I once listened to a great radio segment on the judicious use of NO. The guest speaker – an adolescent psychologist affirmed, that in his view, we only have a few big Nos in our repertoire. There are only a few times when we really need to pull out the BIG NO, the definitive no, the one that matters a great deal to our daughter’s safety, our values, and our peace of mind. Nonetheless, we must also be judicious in its use, because ‘there are only so many times you can say NO’ (McCoy) and maintain a workable relationship.


David Palmiter, a clinical psychologist and professor at Marywood University in Scranton, states that parenting a teen is inherently stressful, even in the best scenarios (cited in Neighmond, 2014). The parent who tells you that their adolescent daughter is always even in temperament, accepts your every word, and happily follows every direction you set – without challenge, either is not being truthful, or their daughter has not yet begun the path to independence that will allow her to become a functioning adult in the future. Palmiter (cited in Neighmond, 2014) offers some reassurance. He says that the challenging, questioning and sometimes patronising manner of our adolescents is in fact ‘healthy’ and may well mean that you are doing things right as parents. Yes, even when it feels otherwise …


At some point, your daughter will depart from the established family narrative, at which time rope -holding or rope-dropping will be called for, because she will, “pick up [her story, the one you have crafted with love and great care] and turn it over in her hands like some dispassionate reviewer composing a cold-hearted analysis of an overhyped novel,” (Cusk, 2015). You will wonder where that easy, compliant, born-to-please child has retreated to, perhaps you may come to realise that the beginning of this new season is about your daughter developing her own narrative, not simply absorbing yours – no matter how meticulous its construction has been.


Hold on, let go, say ‘no’ … endure the tug-of-war moments, drop the rope when the moment demands it – be prepared to vacillate between all three, because this is the season that requires you to do so. “Know that [even when it is hard] you are doing the most important job that anyone could possibly be doing for [them] right now,” (Schmelzer, 2015). 


‘For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven…’ (Ecclesiastes 3:1).



Dr Linda Evans | Principal





REFERENCES

Cusk, R. (2015). ‘Teenagers: what’s wrong with them?’ The Australian. April 25, 2015


Neighmond, P. (2014). , July 16, 2014.


Schmelzer, G. (2015).


More News…

By Graeme Morris 10 Sep, 2024
Storytelling, building connections, and engaging our community is irreplaceable in the marketing strategy of a school. Â鶹ÊÓƵMarketing Manager, Kathryn Doyle, talks about what resonates in modern-day school communication.
By Graeme Morris 10 Sep, 2024
For Year 7 Boarder, Audrey Colville, just getting from her home on Groote Eylandt to Â鶹ÊÓƵis an adventure in itself.
By Graeme Morris 10 Sep, 2024
I enjoy watching Â鶹ÊÓƵsport, debating, dance, choir … (and the list meanders on) – from the sideline. There is joy in watching without responsibility. It does not, as Mr Tregaskis would attest, mean that I do not wince when I see what I believe to be, an incorrect umpire’s decision. You have no idea how much I will miss standing on the sideline observing young people learning to be. After all, these performance arenas are just that – places of becoming. That is, when we, as adults don’t mess with ‘the becoming.’ In anticipation of losing my legitimate reason to watch Â鶹ÊÓƵplay anything, perform anything … I am concentrating on the privilege of the moment. I am soaking in the delights of fiercely contested debating finals, narrow wins and losses on the courts and fields of Toowoomba where the temperature is always colder or hotter than forecast and, the unparalleled joy of Junior School girls dancing on stage without inhibition, some perfectly attuned with the music’s beat and other’s not. I am absorbing the opportunity to witness learning at its essence. Performance in sport or The Arts is a public event. If your artwork is hung in a gallery space it is ‘public’ – open to be appreciated or criticised. If one is singing, dancing, debating or playing an instrument on stage with an audience there is nowhere to hide if an error is made. And, on a court or field – one’s performance is open to scrutiny or praise – or everything in between. Becoming is core business at these times. Anthony Simcoe, perhaps best known for his role as Steve in the epic Australian film, ‘The Castle’ with lines like, “Dale dug a hole, Dad,” or “How much for jousting sticks?” was a gangly fifteen-year-old boy when I first met him at Burnside State High School in Nambour, where he was seeking to master the volleyball dig, serve and set. Who would have imagined his becoming? Even years on, Anthony would say that he learned to become an actor through washing dishes at cafes – earning money between acting jobs – learning to observe the humanness in his customers. He washed a lot of dishes and served a lot of tables in order to become a credible member of ‘The Castle’s’ Kerrigan family. In tedious hours he learned about people and about hard, repetitive work. Repetition is the underpinning pattern of rehearsal and practice. Some of us do it well, others not so. I hear it in action many mornings as I pass the Performing Arts building, I see it on mornings and afternoons in our gym and on our oval. Rehearsal. Practice. Becoming. It is far more palpable; it would seem, than our classroom learning which inhabits a far more private space: often behind a closed door. How special it was, a few weeks ago, to invite the parents of Year 12.1 English to join their daughter, Mrs Anderson and I for a Period Five Friday afternoon lesson of ‘Macbeth.’ Seated in a huge circle in the confines of G24, students directed the lesson: spelling, quotations, thematic discussions and questions, for their parent and the other class members. It was an impressive moment (from a teacher’s perspective anyway) – to see students demonstrate their knowledge in a semi-public forum. It was timely for parents, no doubt, to remember the awkwardness of not knowing an answer, the joy of accuracy as well as the discomfort of feedback about an incorrect assumption – these are aspects of learning with which our students grapple, daily … as they become. There was delight in sharing the messiness of learning, the non-linear path of knowledge and how these segue to ‘becoming.’ Although, that moment of self-actualisation we seek or reaching the mountain top does not come at the same time or in the same way for any of us. And we have to be patient from our sideline position. We have to trust the process. We have to remember also, that losing and missing out are important components of future winning. We have to remember in the words of Saint Ignatius Loyola, Spanish Priest, theologian and thinker, “we learn only when we are ready to learn.” St. Ignatius reminds us that education is not confined to classrooms; it can happen anywhere and at any time: if we allow it. And thus, as adults, as we inhabit more than our fair share of sidelines real and metaphoric, during the rundown to the finish line, let us all be gracious in allowing our young people ‘to become’ … a process that is uneven, at times uncomfortable, messy, deeply disappointing and … often wildly exhilarating. Let us enjoy each and every facet and be gracious in the spaces where alignment with expectation is not met in performance or outcome. It is here, in this place, which can feel unpleasant, unsatisfactory and uninvited that the greatest learning and hence the greatest opportunity to become, can occur. If we, as adults who should know better, don’t mess with ‘the becoming.’ “Another ball game lost! Good grief!” Charlie moans. “I get tired of losing. Everything I do, I lose!” “Look at it this way, Charlie Brown,” Lucy replies. “We learn more from losing than we do from winning.” “That makes me the smartest person in the world!” replies Charlie. Win some. Learn some. Become. Dr Linda Evans │Principal  REFERENCE Maxwell, J. (2013) On Turning a Loss into a Gain | Adapted from Sometimes You Win, Sometimes You Learn (October 2013)
All News
Share by: