Abled Or Enabled?
May 30, 2022
‘In the therapeutic world, an enabler is someone who habitually allows a family member or close friend to make choices that can result in harm.’ (Kirby, 2022)
Recently, I sat and listened to Australian of the Year, Dylan Alcott, share a little of his life narrative. As always, I am entranced by someone else’s story, particularly when it challenges me to think differently about my own perceptions. The following day, I began reading one of my Mother’s Day gifts: ‘Atlas of the Heart’ by Brene Brown. Alcott and Brown are textually different, but their threads share a similar quality when we ponder the ways in which parenting can enable or ‘able’ our children. Brown recounts her own complex childhood where uncertainty about parental reaction and response left her hypervigilant. By default, her parents abled her survival and resilience capabilities, but the process left her acutely anxious. Alcott, conversely, was parented to be able, despite a disability. It’s all about the ‘en’, or its absence.
One of Alcott’s opening stories was of childhood, sharing Saturday morning television with his brother, Zack. Whomever held the television remote had the power: a scenario with which we can all identify. Zack learned quickly that if he needed to go to the bathroom during a television binge, then he needed to take the remote control with him. He knew, that by placing it on top of the fridge, it was safe from Dylan’s grasp. At this point in the story telling, Dylan turned to the audience and asked: was this a good thing or a bad thing? Hands shot up – there was disparate mumbling – some were saying yes, others definitively no. He asked an audience member was it good or bad? The answer – ‘it was good because your brother treated you as an equal.’ Alcott agreed – ‘it was good because it would have been so easy for my parents to give me everything, to erase any struggle, to smooth my way. To make Zack give me the television remote, every time. But they didn’t – and for that I am so grateful.’ Their actions led to Alcott’s abled view of the world.
I love this example – it speaks eloquently to me as a parent, it questions the line between enabling and ‘abling’ and the destructive influence of the ‘en’. Because I too am guilty of lapses of smoothing the way for my children – of metaphorically handing them the television remote when they seek it out. Inadvertently, disabling, disempowering, and immobilising. Too easily, we forget that it is in struggle that we find both ourselves and our determination to do things differently. It is in the deep pit of struggle that we plot our means of escape, we solve problems, and we ‘able’ ourselves to become our own person. Parents instinctively want to protect their child, to advocate their position and to rescue them from disappointment. Too often, in the interests of peace and family harmony, misguided kindness – or self-preservation, we find ourselves providing instant gratification to our children (Kirby, 2022) – irrespective of their age.
Psychologists have long recognised that distress often promotes maturation. We grow from feeling the sting of a mistake. We learn from losing, missing out and waiting our turn. Weathering setbacks, with support from the people who love us, helps us learn to manage disappointment. Psychologist, Holly Schfiffin writes in the Journal of Child and Family Studiesthat parents who over-help, who enable their children a life without stress, steal their children’s ability to make decisions and thus ensure that their children are ill-prepared for life as adults. Autonomy has profound benefit for kids of all ages. Studies link autonomy to long-term motivation, independence, confidence, and better executive function. As a child gets older, autonomy is associated with better performance in school and a decreased risk of drug and alcohol abuse. ‘Like exercise and sleep, it is good for virtually everything,’ neuropsychologist William Stixrud and educator Ned Johnson write in their book The Self-Driven Child.
The fundamental paradox of parenting, though, is that we are responsible for our children and yet we cannot possibly be responsible for them. A wise practitioner puts it this way: ‘children are clay in your hands, and they are also the rocks that break your hands.’ Our role is to allow our children to also mould the clay, to endure the breakages, and to learn that for every action, there is a consequence and an opportunity to learn. Let us not cause harm as enablers, even when we have the noblest of intention – let our children be able – able to manage the tv remote battle for themselves.
Dr Linda Evans | Principal
REFERENCES
Castelino, L. (2016). ‘The Huffington Post’ Retrieved 15 May 2022.
Damour, L. (2019). ‘The New York Times’ Retrieved 15 May 2022 .
Doucleff, M. (2022). A 4-year-old can run errands alone… and not just on reality Retrieved 15 May 2022.
Heath, C. (1999). ‘On the Social Psychology of Agency Relationships: Lay Theories of Motivation Overemphasize Extrinsic Incentives’ Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes Vol. 78, No. 1, April, pp. 25–62, 1999.
Kirby, S. (2022). Retrieved 15 May 2022.
Winter, J. (2022). ‘The New Yorker’ March 23. 2022. Retrieved 15 May 202.
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Beginning. Starting. Commencing. What does beginning well actually look like? Sometimes when we expect a perfect start, we overlook the quiet power of simply showing up, the world is run by those who show up. Those people who never, ever ring the bell, those people who show up, even when it is hard to do so, especially when it is hard to do so. Brene Brown reminds us that “the willingness to show up changes us, it makes us a little braver each time we do.” In enacting bravery, it is important to start small if that’s what it takes. American Naval Admiral, William McRaven says this: “If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed. If you can’t do the little things right, then you will never do the big things right.” He believes in persistence. His mantra is this: don’t ever, ever ring the bell. He refers to the initial training for the United States of America Navy Sea, Air, and Land Teams the SEALS. Their initial training sees more than 80 percent of participants drop out. During this training, a brass bell hangs in the center of the room for all the students to see. If they find the work too hard. If they decide against becoming a SEAL. All they have to do to quit—is to ring the bell. Ring the bell and they no longer have to wake up at 5 o’clock. Ring the bell and they no longer have to complete freezing cold swims. Ring the bell and they no longer have to endure long runs carrying heavy weights, the obstacle courses, or to suffer the hardships of training. Just ring the bell and it’s all over. When exhausted SEAL candidates reach their breaking point, they haul themselves to the bell and ring it three times. The sound echoes through the training grounds and announces publicly that another candidate has “opted out.” All they have to do is ring the bell. Just ring the bell and the hard work stops. I wonder if Lilli Hamilton (Queensland cricketer and HEAT member) rang the bell when Cricket training no longer felt like it was fun, or if Alex Edwards (Australian Orienteering representative) opted out of orienteering because frankly, the distance was too far, or if Scarlett Sippell (Emus National Youth Touch Football Squad member) gave up because training was too tough …. what they would miss out on … When we opt out, even when it is hard, we also miss out on possibilities. There are so many opportunities at Â鶹ÊÓƵto achieve one’s best - academically. In the Arts. In Sport. Opportunities to serve others. To be a good friend – a good person. But then again, if any of those things are too hard, all anyone has to do is – opt out. Say it’s too hard. Say they didn’t get selected in the right team. Say their teachers didn’t give them the right results. Say they weren’t given the right position. Text their parents and tell them that Â鶹ÊÓƵis awful. All they have to do, is ring the bell. Yet, if we want to change the world, If we want to get the best out of this year at Fairholme, whatever that involves - never ever give up. Start small, aim big. Always show up. Don’t give up. Don’t ever, ever ring the bell. The most meaningful changes in life are often built in the times that no one sees, and, importantly, in the daily decision to simply show up, and to show up for others. When my daughter, Natalie was twenty-one, she began her teaching career at an Autism specialty school in Brixton, London. She would phone me often: for advice, for debriefing, for re-setting – her school was classified as being in Special Measures – it was on the brink of closure. Often, when she phoned to describe her day – to talk about the boys in her class, all aged 12 or 13, it went a little like this: “Today, Mashley threw a chair through a window because he didn’t like the activity we were doing. I had to break up a fight at lunch. Jerome pulled a knife on me. Three boys in my class have joined gangs.” I wanted to say: “Natalie: get another job. That one is too dangerous.” I wanted to fly her home from London, immediately. I had to stop the urge to board the next plane to London and rescue her. But my advice to her – was this: Show up. Keep showing up. No matter how you feel… Get up, dress up, show up: don’t give up. These kids need to know that someone cares enough to show up. After all, when we show up for others, we can affect the most profound of changes. I am always intrigued about who shows up here at Â鶹ÊÓƵ– especially at difficult times. In 2011 when floods ravaged Toowoomba and so much of Â鶹ÊÓƵwas flooded – staff showed up - in their holidays. They turned up to rip up carpets, move furniture, clean floors, and walls. Last year, in the sadness of Sess’ passing our community showed up, in droves, with deep compassion – importantly, our community showed up for one another. I think of 2024 Year 12s who showed up for others, after they had officially finished attending classes at and were preparing for or undertaking their external exams. Lizzy Kelly and Ciara Teahan showed up to play in the stage band, for the Year 11 Leaders Assembly, so that the group could perform at its best. Roma Aarons came to an Assembly in November to share a fabulous rendition of ‘Hotel California’. On a Sunday morning, early in December, graduated students Rachel Yap, Alana Callaghan, Amelia Ramia and Roma Aarons, showed up at Rosies to prepare food for Toowoomba people who don’t have easy access to basic necessities. After last year’s Interschool Athletics Carnival, Clare Hogan noticed staff picking up loads of lost property and carrying it into the Assembly Hall. She asked – Can I help? When we show up, especially when it is for others, especially when it’s hard, we learn a lot about ourselves and others. The students at the school where my daughter taught in Brixton, London – needed teachers to show up, they needed people to notice them, they needed interest, care, attention. They needed to know that they mattered. The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time, particularly when we show up for others. Show up. Keep showing up. Show up for others. And remember the advice of Naval Admiral, William McRaven … even when it’s hard, don’t ever, ever ring the bell. Begin well, continue well, finish well. Dr Linda Evans │Principal
Â鶹ÊÓƵCollege student Zoe Hurford is currently living the dream as part of an exchange program with the prestigious Rugby School in England. Her time abroad has been filled with memorable moments, cultural discoveries, and a deep appreciation for the warmth and support of the Rugby School community. ‘The Rugby School is incredible," Zoe shares enthusiastically. ‘My time here is disintegrating far too quickly, and there is so much more I want to do. Everyone is really welcoming and supportive—staff and students—and I cannot wait to make more memories with them all.’ Zoe recently had the chance to address the entire school during Chapel. In her speech, she highlighted Fairholme's rich history and shared some amusing observations about differences between Australia and the UK. Her witty recount of answering common questions about Australia had the audience in stitches. ‘Yes, I’ve seen a kangaroo. No, I don’t look under every chair in case something is sitting under it. Yes, there are spiders. No, I wouldn’t recommend trying to beat up a kangaroo,’ she joked, bringing a taste of Aussie humour to the English school. As part of her exchange, Zoe has embraced Rugby 7s as her chosen sport and is relishing every muddy moment on the pitch. ‘I am absolutely loving it, even though the pitches are always muddy—it’s too cold for them to dry. Returning to Bradley covered in mud has become a ritual. I’ve loved learning more about the game and am excited to improve my skills in the coming weeks.’ Adjusting to the academic life at Rugby School has been a challenge Zoe has embraced with determination. ‘My classes have been really good, more so now that I can actually find them,’ she laughs. ‘There’s a clear distinction between the work I’ve done and what they are doing here, but with my classmates' help, I’m getting fairly comfortable with the topics.’ No update about England would be complete without a mention of the weather. Zoe finds it surprisingly manageable. ‘It’s definitely cold, some days more than others, but it isn’t as cold as I was expecting. It doesn’t have Toowoomba’s harsh winds, so that makes a big difference,’ she says. However, the shorter daylight hours have been a noticeable change. ‘By 4 p.m., it’s dark, which makes doing afternoon activities a lot harder. And sadly, my farmer’s tan is slowly disappearing—a reality I’m still coming to terms with.’ As Zoe continues to immerse herself in this transformative experience, she remains grateful for the opportunity to represent Â鶹ÊÓƵCollege and explore all that Rugby School has to offer.
Â鶹ÊÓƵCollege has officially launched its High-Performance Sport Program, an innovative initiative aimed at supporting student athletes in achieving their sporting and academic goals. The launch marked a significant milestone in the College’s ongoing commitment to empowering young women through both education and sport. Olympian and Â鶹ÊÓƵOld Girl Tatum Stewart was the guest of honour, returning to her alma mater to help unveil the program. ‘It’s super exciting for these Â鶹ÊÓƵstudents to have the exposure to this High-Performance Program. Looking back, if I had an opportunity like this, it definitely would have catapulted me even sooner into the high-performance sporting world,’ said Tatum. Casey Reynoldson, Fairholme’s newly appointed Head of High Performance, also sharing her vision for the program and her extensive experience in elite sports. Casey brings a wealth of expertise to the program, having studied Exercise Science, a Bachelor of Exercise Physiology, and completed a Masters of Secondary Teaching. She recently returned from the University of Yale, where she conducted a research project, adding further depth to her leadership of the program. ‘I’m incredibly excited to lead this new chapter for Fairholme’s athletes,’ said Casey. ‘The program is designed to help them enhance their athletic performance while providing them with the tools needed to balance the challenges of sport and academics.’ The program includes tailored strength and conditioning plans, load management strategies, recovery programs, fitness testing, and academic support. A highlight of the launch was the live demonstration of the program’s state-of-the-art timing gates, which will help athletes track and improve their performance. Â鶹ÊÓƵhas a proud legacy of athletic excellence, producing Olympians like Tatum Stewart, Dom Du Toit, Emilee Cherry, Cathy Freeman, and Dannielle Leisch. This year alone, over 130 Â鶹ÊÓƵteams competed locally, with 450+ girls excelling in individual sports, 127 Darling Downs Representatives, and 21 Queensland athletes! This new program is set to propel Fairholme’s athletes to even greater success, reinforcing the College’s commitment to fostering the next generation of sporting champions.
More News…
Beginning. Starting. Commencing. What does beginning well actually look like? Sometimes when we expect a perfect start, we overlook the quiet power of simply showing up, the world is run by those who show up. Those people who never, ever ring the bell, those people who show up, even when it is hard to do so, especially when it is hard to do so. Brene Brown reminds us that “the willingness to show up changes us, it makes us a little braver each time we do.” In enacting bravery, it is important to start small if that’s what it takes. American Naval Admiral, William McRaven says this: “If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed. If you can’t do the little things right, then you will never do the big things right.” He believes in persistence. His mantra is this: don’t ever, ever ring the bell. He refers to the initial training for the United States of America Navy Sea, Air, and Land Teams the SEALS. Their initial training sees more than 80 percent of participants drop out. During this training, a brass bell hangs in the center of the room for all the students to see. If they find the work too hard. If they decide against becoming a SEAL. All they have to do to quit—is to ring the bell. Ring the bell and they no longer have to wake up at 5 o’clock. Ring the bell and they no longer have to complete freezing cold swims. Ring the bell and they no longer have to endure long runs carrying heavy weights, the obstacle courses, or to suffer the hardships of training. Just ring the bell and it’s all over. When exhausted SEAL candidates reach their breaking point, they haul themselves to the bell and ring it three times. The sound echoes through the training grounds and announces publicly that another candidate has “opted out.” All they have to do is ring the bell. Just ring the bell and the hard work stops. I wonder if Lilli Hamilton (Queensland cricketer and HEAT member) rang the bell when Cricket training no longer felt like it was fun, or if Alex Edwards (Australian Orienteering representative) opted out of orienteering because frankly, the distance was too far, or if Scarlett Sippell (Emus National Youth Touch Football Squad member) gave up because training was too tough …. what they would miss out on … When we opt out, even when it is hard, we also miss out on possibilities. There are so many opportunities at Â鶹ÊÓƵto achieve one’s best - academically. In the Arts. In Sport. Opportunities to serve others. To be a good friend – a good person. But then again, if any of those things are too hard, all anyone has to do is – opt out. Say it’s too hard. Say they didn’t get selected in the right team. Say their teachers didn’t give them the right results. Say they weren’t given the right position. Text their parents and tell them that Â鶹ÊÓƵis awful. All they have to do, is ring the bell. Yet, if we want to change the world, If we want to get the best out of this year at Fairholme, whatever that involves - never ever give up. Start small, aim big. Always show up. Don’t give up. Don’t ever, ever ring the bell. The most meaningful changes in life are often built in the times that no one sees, and, importantly, in the daily decision to simply show up, and to show up for others. When my daughter, Natalie was twenty-one, she began her teaching career at an Autism specialty school in Brixton, London. She would phone me often: for advice, for debriefing, for re-setting – her school was classified as being in Special Measures – it was on the brink of closure. Often, when she phoned to describe her day – to talk about the boys in her class, all aged 12 or 13, it went a little like this: “Today, Mashley threw a chair through a window because he didn’t like the activity we were doing. I had to break up a fight at lunch. Jerome pulled a knife on me. Three boys in my class have joined gangs.” I wanted to say: “Natalie: get another job. That one is too dangerous.” I wanted to fly her home from London, immediately. I had to stop the urge to board the next plane to London and rescue her. But my advice to her – was this: Show up. Keep showing up. No matter how you feel… Get up, dress up, show up: don’t give up. These kids need to know that someone cares enough to show up. After all, when we show up for others, we can affect the most profound of changes. I am always intrigued about who shows up here at Â鶹ÊÓƵ– especially at difficult times. In 2011 when floods ravaged Toowoomba and so much of Â鶹ÊÓƵwas flooded – staff showed up - in their holidays. They turned up to rip up carpets, move furniture, clean floors, and walls. Last year, in the sadness of Sess’ passing our community showed up, in droves, with deep compassion – importantly, our community showed up for one another. I think of 2024 Year 12s who showed up for others, after they had officially finished attending classes at and were preparing for or undertaking their external exams. Lizzy Kelly and Ciara Teahan showed up to play in the stage band, for the Year 11 Leaders Assembly, so that the group could perform at its best. Roma Aarons came to an Assembly in November to share a fabulous rendition of ‘Hotel California’. On a Sunday morning, early in December, graduated students Rachel Yap, Alana Callaghan, Amelia Ramia and Roma Aarons, showed up at Rosies to prepare food for Toowoomba people who don’t have easy access to basic necessities. After last year’s Interschool Athletics Carnival, Clare Hogan noticed staff picking up loads of lost property and carrying it into the Assembly Hall. She asked – Can I help? When we show up, especially when it is for others, especially when it’s hard, we learn a lot about ourselves and others. The students at the school where my daughter taught in Brixton, London – needed teachers to show up, they needed people to notice them, they needed interest, care, attention. They needed to know that they mattered. The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time, particularly when we show up for others. Show up. Keep showing up. Show up for others. And remember the advice of Naval Admiral, William McRaven … even when it’s hard, don’t ever, ever ring the bell. Begin well, continue well, finish well. Dr Linda Evans │Principal
Â鶹ÊÓƵCollege student Zoe Hurford is currently living the dream as part of an exchange program with the prestigious Rugby School in England. Her time abroad has been filled with memorable moments, cultural discoveries, and a deep appreciation for the warmth and support of the Rugby School community. ‘The Rugby School is incredible," Zoe shares enthusiastically. ‘My time here is disintegrating far too quickly, and there is so much more I want to do. Everyone is really welcoming and supportive—staff and students—and I cannot wait to make more memories with them all.’ Zoe recently had the chance to address the entire school during Chapel. In her speech, she highlighted Fairholme's rich history and shared some amusing observations about differences between Australia and the UK. Her witty recount of answering common questions about Australia had the audience in stitches. ‘Yes, I’ve seen a kangaroo. No, I don’t look under every chair in case something is sitting under it. Yes, there are spiders. No, I wouldn’t recommend trying to beat up a kangaroo,’ she joked, bringing a taste of Aussie humour to the English school. As part of her exchange, Zoe has embraced Rugby 7s as her chosen sport and is relishing every muddy moment on the pitch. ‘I am absolutely loving it, even though the pitches are always muddy—it’s too cold for them to dry. Returning to Bradley covered in mud has become a ritual. I’ve loved learning more about the game and am excited to improve my skills in the coming weeks.’ Adjusting to the academic life at Rugby School has been a challenge Zoe has embraced with determination. ‘My classes have been really good, more so now that I can actually find them,’ she laughs. ‘There’s a clear distinction between the work I’ve done and what they are doing here, but with my classmates' help, I’m getting fairly comfortable with the topics.’ No update about England would be complete without a mention of the weather. Zoe finds it surprisingly manageable. ‘It’s definitely cold, some days more than others, but it isn’t as cold as I was expecting. It doesn’t have Toowoomba’s harsh winds, so that makes a big difference,’ she says. However, the shorter daylight hours have been a noticeable change. ‘By 4 p.m., it’s dark, which makes doing afternoon activities a lot harder. And sadly, my farmer’s tan is slowly disappearing—a reality I’m still coming to terms with.’ As Zoe continues to immerse herself in this transformative experience, she remains grateful for the opportunity to represent Â鶹ÊÓƵCollege and explore all that Rugby School has to offer.
Â鶹ÊÓƵCollege has officially launched its High-Performance Sport Program, an innovative initiative aimed at supporting student athletes in achieving their sporting and academic goals. The launch marked a significant milestone in the College’s ongoing commitment to empowering young women through both education and sport. Olympian and Â鶹ÊÓƵOld Girl Tatum Stewart was the guest of honour, returning to her alma mater to help unveil the program. ‘It’s super exciting for these Â鶹ÊÓƵstudents to have the exposure to this High-Performance Program. Looking back, if I had an opportunity like this, it definitely would have catapulted me even sooner into the high-performance sporting world,’ said Tatum. Casey Reynoldson, Fairholme’s newly appointed Head of High Performance, also sharing her vision for the program and her extensive experience in elite sports. Casey brings a wealth of expertise to the program, having studied Exercise Science, a Bachelor of Exercise Physiology, and completed a Masters of Secondary Teaching. She recently returned from the University of Yale, where she conducted a research project, adding further depth to her leadership of the program. ‘I’m incredibly excited to lead this new chapter for Fairholme’s athletes,’ said Casey. ‘The program is designed to help them enhance their athletic performance while providing them with the tools needed to balance the challenges of sport and academics.’ The program includes tailored strength and conditioning plans, load management strategies, recovery programs, fitness testing, and academic support. A highlight of the launch was the live demonstration of the program’s state-of-the-art timing gates, which will help athletes track and improve their performance. Â鶹ÊÓƵhas a proud legacy of athletic excellence, producing Olympians like Tatum Stewart, Dom Du Toit, Emilee Cherry, Cathy Freeman, and Dannielle Leisch. This year alone, over 130 Â鶹ÊÓƵteams competed locally, with 450+ girls excelling in individual sports, 127 Darling Downs Representatives, and 21 Queensland athletes! This new program is set to propel Fairholme’s athletes to even greater success, reinforcing the College’s commitment to fostering the next generation of sporting champions.
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